May 5, 2011 | Category: Dreams, Inspiration
I have always wanted to be a surfer girl. Most of my childhood was spent in the Midwest so I dreamed of living near the beach. I longed to be an athlete who could dance on water. Surfers are undeniably cool — ask anyone.
When I was 40, I moved from Seattle to San Diego for the warm and sunny benefits. My new home was three blocks from the beach and surfers were everywhere. They rode beach cruisers with surfboards under their arms. In fact they surf all year long. I admired their passion, commitment and above all, their guts. Even the old guys were out there — while I watched from the sidelines.
I bumped into my surfing dream every day, but I was not getting in the water. Instead, I watched surf documentaries, attended surf competitions, and bought surf books, Hurley sweatshirts and Roxy bikinis. I wandered into surf shops to gaze at the gear and speak to 17 year olds about board design and dynamics. I was moving as close as possible to surfing without actually touching it. So what the hell was going on?
I did not want to be disappointed.
I did not want the experience to be less than what I had imagined. What if I was a surf dud? What if my inner athlete/rock star/daredevil failed me? What if I was deficient in guts and grit? There is no vitamin for that.
Oh wait, yes there is. Turns out you can transform fear into fuel.
First, I realized that NOT SURFING was a big, fat drag. Avoiding disappointment was only causing more disappointment. Ironic? You bet.
Second, I remembered that anything worth doing is worth doing, period. The heart wants what it wants. Turning away from a heart’s desire felt like I had my jeans on backward – uncomfortable and wrong. The moment I accepted any and all surfing outcomes, my resistance evaporated. And once I was in the water and on a surfboard, I was ridiculously happy. I had engaged the dream and anything beyond that would be a bonus.
And now, here is the Official List of Wendy’s Surf Dream Bonuses:
1. We were the first ones on the beach.
2. The waves were just my size.
3. I was not cold.
4. Also in the water were whales and Luna, a surfing dog.
5. Although I crashed a ton, I actually rode several waves.
6. Even when I crashed, I was fine.
7. I laughed a whole lot.
8. Cheap champagne never tasted better.
From my dream-avoidance state, I could not envision a kickass outcome such as this. My brain could not even imagine surfing with whales or a dog. I did not allow room for how good it could be. Makes me ponder where else I am limiting my dreams by seeing only part of what is possible.
Instead of pushing off your dreams, suck ‘em up and become a Dream Hoover like me. Eureka!*
*eureka [yoo-ree-kuh]: used to express delight on finding, discovering or solving something, or finally succeeding in doing something.
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January 19, 2011 | Category: Deciding, Letting Go, Wisdom
Last month, I learned that I had to move out of my office space. I loved my office and was feeling bummed, but knew I had to act fast.
I made an appointment to see another building. It was a good location. The office was a nice size. It was the right price. It was available immediately. And it was all wrong. Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t articulate what was off, but knew I couldn’t commit to the space even though the desired elements were there. Intellectually it was a slam dunk yet my gut said, “Oh hell no”.
If data was all we needed to make good decisions, there would be no doctors who smoke.
There would be no crazy psychiatrists.
Clearly, information is not enough. Living the life you are meant to live requires wisdom.
Wisdom is the knowledge of what is true or right. Wisdom is insight. I listened to that voice inside me even though I didn’t have a Plan B. Even though I didn’t know why things weren’t right.
I let go of the “hell no” office and it paid off. Two days later I was asked to bring my coaching business into Discover Wellness, an integrative health center in San Diego. I have joined a select group of wellness practitioners that provide acupuncture, massage, nutrition services and chiropractic care. This is my tribe! With my background in natural science, this center is a natural (pun intended) fit for me and my business. Even though I couldn’t see the path, wisdom was leading me to where I needed to be. I would not have discovered this new venture had I focused only on data.
Now here is the part I really want you to soak up. If something is not a HELL YES, it’s a HELL NO. I had to let go of something that looked good on paper in order to discover the thing that was MORE right. My marvelous friend Bridgette explains this with a trapeze analogy. Yes, trapeze. You can’t grab the next bar if you don’t let go of the one in your hand.
Are there places in your life where you need to let go in order to make room for something better?
It’s not too late, you know. It is never too late to become who you are meant to become. Get help if you need it to follow the path that feels hard, but right.
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November 15, 2010 | Category: Change, Peace
My head is full of debris. Like the CNN ticker, a bazillion thoughts run through my mind a day. Where is the cat, the coffee, the WD40? When is the guy coming to cut the lawn? Crap, it’s hot in here. What time is it? Where do I park? Fortunately, most of these thoughts don’t affect me. They merely flash for a second and then float on by.
There is another breed of thoughts in my head. Instead of floating, they come at me from a red-hot flare gun. I better not screw up. I’m running out of time. There is not enough money / energy / jobs / love / sleep. Sure hope I don’t get cancer. Can you feel the difference? These thoughts are charged with panic, anxiety and fear. We tend to dodge these thoughts by distracting ourselves. I don’t have time to think like this. Let’s move, move, MOVE!
We can attempt to dodge, but flare gun thoughts have phenomenal boomerang capabilities. And once you focus on a stressful thought, it becomes easier to think it a second, third and 39th time. This creates a rut in your thinking and can negatively affect your perspective.
And here’s the kicker: stressful thoughts can bring about the very thing we wish to avoid. You know about the placebo effect. Well, say hello to its cousin — nocebo effect.
nocebo effect (n.): the phenomenon in which the expectation of a negative outcome actually leads to that outcome.
Let’s say that I’m continually thinking, “There is not enough time.” This makes me feel anxious, panicky and FREAKED OUT. Operating from this state makes it difficult to think clearly. I feel scattered. I am less productive and; therefore, I am literally wasting time. The nocebo effect is proven.
And now for some good news.
Our brains are flexible and capable of change. This means that we can coax an anxious mind toward a happier outlook. Try flipping the stressful thought. Consider its opposite by thinking, “There is enough time.” Imagine for a few seconds that this is true. Hey, perhaps on some level it IS true. Can you feel a smidgen of hope? Perhaps a slight relaxation in your body and mind? If you are like me, you are now in a better position to make good use of your time.
Your thoughts can take you to a bad neighborhood in your mind, but they are also the way out. You can transform the nocebo effect into placebo effect anytime you want. I invite you to drop the thoughts that weaken you and pick up thoughts that feel more peaceful. Repeat. Continue until this state becomes natural. It can take time to undo the deep ruts in your brain, but keep practicing. With focused attention, you can literally rewire your brain and develop a new perspective.
To learn more about being the boss of your brain, check out this summary of Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School.
And if you are ready to be the boss of your life, check out how I can help.
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September 9, 2010 | Category: Freedom, Inspiration
Come down from your fences…and open the gate. —The Eagles
Life coaching sounds pretty cheesy. We coaches are aware of this so you don’t need to hide your smirks. In reality, we are working to dramatically transform peoples’ lives under the somewhat unflattering cover identity of life coach. As part of this mission, I recently attended the non-cheesy Martha Beck Coaches Convention. The best-in-class-smarty-pants-coaching-dynamos organize mind-boggling workshops to ensure we are changing the world one client at a time in the best possible way. A cinch, right?
One of the workshops was about group coaching. My immediate response was, “I’m not interested. I love one-on-one coaching.” The love part is very true. But is it true that I wouldn’t like to coach in a different way? I hadn’t really considered it and so I instantly said no. Turns out I had an imaginary mental fence that was limiting my opportunities. Not sure how the fence got there – and it doesn’t much matter. I don’t need to know how I got a sliver in my foot to know that I want it gone.
Are you saying no to new ideas? And if so, why? Sometimes we label something as fear and turn in the other direction. There is a good chance that a perceived fear is just white noise. And when investigated, the resistance evaporates. How do you know when a fence is merely fear? Because you feel a sense of freedom when you imagine it gone.
And when you feel free to choose, your life gets a lot more interesting.
You really can fear LESS so you can live MORE. Find out how I can help. And check out my favorite online magazine, fear less, to read about famous and not so famous people who have dissolved fear to pursue the life they are meant to live.
p.s. Quoting a 70′s band might be cheesy — but in a good way, right?
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May 26, 2010 | Category: Creativity, Desire
I’ve never liked writing, but I want to talk to you.
In fact, I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while now. I have a manila folder full of guaranteed-to-be-brilliant topics, but I over-think the simple task of writing a message.
I analyze my audience and the content of the message until my brain seizes. Over-analysis leads to paralysis and I drift further away from my desire.
I see the same thing with my coaching clients. And let me say, they are smart people — highly educated, competent and successful. They have tried to change their lives by examining data; the pros and cons. Perhaps they utilized their remarkable problem-solving skills to determine what will make them happy. Or they have pursued change that MAKES SENSE. And why wouldn’t they? This kind of thinking has made them quite successful – but in the wrong direction.
Here’s the deal. You can’t analyze your way to happiness.
In case you were sleeping during Bio Psych class, I’ll share the Cliff Notes: Logic and analysis are the workings of your left brain. Insight, inspiration and creativity are born in your right brain.
The superbly practical left brain facilitated my clients’ success, but it didn’t lead them to their hearts’ desires. Have you talked yourself into a practical dream? Does it feel like a big, fat drag? I want you to know that there is another way. I love helping clients make life decisions using both left and right brain intelligence. When you think in this new way, you get clear on what you want and make plans to live the life you are meant to live.
Why not get the most from your brain? Sounds genius to me.
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