The Magic Touch
Magic happens when you wish for something AND let go of your need for it to happen.
 
What kind of hocus pocus is that?!
 
Well, think of it as walking a tightrope between desire and detachment.
 
Desire + Detachment = Magic
 
My magical method is accidental because I sometimes forget about my dreams. I submit to you three recent examples:
 
1) The Dalai Lama was coming to San Diego. I don’t read his books or follow him on Facebook, but I know he is one cool dude. I tried to get tickets and they sold out in minutes. Initially I was disappointed, but soon forgot about it. Fast forward a few months to a cocktail reception in Scottsdale. Some party people were talking about the Dalai Lama and I said, “I tried to get tickets but couldn’t.” A stranger said to me, ”I have an extra ticket. Do you want it?”  Voila.
 
2) You may know about my desire to work with military families. For a number of reasons, I’ve had a heck of time reaching this audience. I’ve tried various approaches, but ended up frustrated and tired. I decided to put away that dream for a while. I kept the desire, but let go of the “how” and “when”. Months later, I was contacted by an organization devoted to military spouses. I am now serving on their board of directors. Abracadabra.
 
3) For a long time, I have dreamed of going on a safari. Each year I felt a deep longing, but that trip was not in the budget. And with every missed opportunity, I felt sad. This year I decided to feel the desire without being sad. I was okay with waiting another year or two or more. I truly let go and felt peaceful about it. That same night — while I slept — my husband signed me up for a safari. When I found out, I cried. Then I freaked out about the money. My husband calmly said, “We will find the money”. Uh, hello. This life coach can learn a lot from that man and his BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THE IMPOSSIBLE. Shazam.
 
You could say that other people made my dreams come true or you could say I worked some magic. 
Either way, it pays to play.
 
I can’t explain how it works. If I could, it would not be magic.

MY BRAIN: When you are pushed to the edge of comfort, I release dopamine — which creates feelings of satisfaction, enjoyment and excitement.

ME: So, I have to be uncomfortable to feel good?

MY BRAIN: Yes, the struggle is key. The road to mediocrity is smooth and easy. The road to mastery is steep.

ME: If I received that in a fortune cookie, I’d burn it. Seriously, how do I master something?

MY BRAIN: You try it and see what could be better. And try it again. This is called deep practice.

ME: WTH?

MY BRAIN: You will begin to master yoga after you have spent 10,000 hours in deep practice.

ME: WTH?

I’m getting schooled by my brain and its associate, Malcolm Gladwell. In the book, Outliers, Gladwell explains that success requires practicing a specific task for approximately 10,000 hours. This amounts to roughly 90 minutes a day for 20 years. Before becoming a life coach, the only thing I mastered was worry and worry never solved a single problem. Now I’m trading up and staring down 10,000 hours of yoga.

COACH WENDY PRESENTS:  HOW TO MASTER SOMETHING

1. Stretch yourself (and not just for yoga). We are not happy at “easy”. Instead, we are happy working just beyond where we feel capable. For scientific proof, check out Five Things Happy People Do.
2. Be willing to screw up. You will never do anything well if you aren’t willing to do it badly. Once I decided it was okay to fall, yoga was more fun and amusing (at least for the people around me).
3. Repeat 10,000 times. (You knew this was coming, right?) 

10,000 hours can feel overwhelming. To keep frustrations low, I engage in some mental martial arts. Knowing that mastery will take many, many years can lessen the immediate pressure. I won’t be an expert this week or the week after that or the year after that. It’s going to take 10,000 hours so I might as well enjoy the ride. It is possible to strive and relax at the same time. And if I am relaxed, I can actually go further with yoga. 

Is there a skill you’d like to master? A passion that is tugging you? The sooner you complete the first 1,000 hours, the sooner you will complete the remaining 9,000. Just begin.

Okay yes, these extraordinary events happened while I was asleep. And now I am publicly sharing my music groupie tendencies for your entertainment. Everyone has bizarre dreams, but I found it remarkable that two rockstars had walk-on roles in my subconscious. I don’t usually remember dreams so why did Billy and Jon make solo appearances? I’m no dream expert, but felt I should pay attention.

I tried to tease out the message. Okay, they are musicians. And sure, I love music. Actually, I really REALLY love music. It is my drug of choice and I crave it the way any reasonable person craves a hot Krispy Kreme.

I kept digging. What is better than loving music? Playing music. What would be fun to play? Oh definitely the drums. I’d love to play the drums. Welllllllll…that answer stunned me. I had pretty much forgotten about my dream to be a drummer. What?! That goal was buried deep in my mind and those big time rock and rollers reminded me it was there.

I’m not one for bold, sweeping New Year’s goals. I find that the tiny ones are more likely to stick. And speaking of sticks, I’m gonna get me some.

What about you? What message is your soul sending? I invite you to listen for a whisper (or rebel yell). Stay open to subtle signs and synchronicities. You may be tempted to instantly dismiss what you see, hear or feel. Hold up – and try to tease out valuable information about your heart’s desires. I promise that the messages from your intuitive mind are the ones that will generate the most joy.

Thirsty for more inspiration? Well, lean in.

Martha Beck has written a new book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, and I’m hosting a virtual book club to celebrate.

Oh, it’s going to be wild.

Wild and FREE.

Martha Beck is smart – three Harvard degrees smart – and yet she is still hilarious. More importantly, she is sharing tools that can transform your life. And since I want to be smart and hilarious, I plan to read her book immediately and repeatedly. Won’t you join me? Pour yourself some tea, wine or Rockstar and get on the horn with your tribe.

Feb 9, Feb 16, Feb 23 and Mar 1: 6:00p – 7:15p Pacific Time

FREE!

To join, send me an email. You have plenty of time to dig in before book club begins. You can get your copy of the book right here:

Finding Your Way in a Wild New World is a remarkable path to the most important discovery you can make: the knowledge of what you should be doing with your one wild and precious life. It’s a journey to the thing that so fulfills you that, if someone told you, “It’s right outside-but watch out-it could kill you!” you’d run straight toward it, through the screen door without even opening it. Life coach and bestselling author of Finding Your Own North Star Martha Beck guides you to find out how you got to where you are now and what you should do next with clear, concrete instructions on tapping into the deep, wordless knowledge you carry in your body and soul.

 Who can resist all that? Hope to find you there.

The frustrating thing about horses is they don’t understand English — or any spoken language for that matter. So, how can I learn about leadership and communication without speaking? You neigh-sayers won’t believe this, but I was able to get  horses to walk, run and stop without saying a word, using gestures or touching them. COOL. And I was able to do this more than once — and with different horses. Yee haw!

How does this work? It may sound bananas, but I visualized what I wanted and that freakin’ horse responded. The trick is, I had to be in “the flow”. You may be thinking, what the hay is flow?

And so….COACH WENDY PRESENTS: The Lowdown on Flow.

Flow happens when:

* You are present and completely into what you are doing.

* You are perfectly challenged – the task is not too easy or too hard.

* Your intention is clear.

* You cue it up and let it go.

So what does that ACTUALLY look like? I settled into the moment by focusing on what I was thinking and feeling. I watched the horse. I slowed down my breathing. I imagined the horse “joining up” with me and then I released any expectation that he would actually do it. I was willing to experience any outcome.

This is key, people. If I am anxious, the horse will be anxious. My job is to stay peaceful and clear.

When the horse senses that I am clear about what I want to do, he becomes comfortable with me as the leader. Once this connection is established, the horse follows directions without me saying a word. AMAZING. Since he doesn’t understand English, the smarty-pants horse is focused on subtle, non-verbal cues. I could also share some facts about conscious versus subconscious perception, but who really cares? Boeing 747s fly through the air all day long and that makes no sense.

We don’t have to understand something for it to work.

Are there places in your life where you are not getting the results you desire? You may want to consider whether or not your intentions are clear. Do you feel anxious about things going a certain way? Imagine letting go of the need to control what is happening and see if you feel calmer. I guarantee that your perspective will change when you decide to loosen up on the reigns. 

Start using some horse sense and you can become a crazy-cool flow rider. If you need help, I’ll be standing by – with boots on. 

I say it to myself all the time so I figured I’d better write about it. To prepare, I asked a client what this particular prescription did for her and she sent back a short essay. Shazam! See what happens when you let go? Hope you enjoy her response- 

Loosen your grip, man.

Relax

Breathe

Step away

Let it go

It is not a question, request or threat. It is a command – but a cool one.

This is one of the most powerful tools I use. It connects directly to my ability to calm down physically and emotionally. It provides a mental picture of loosening my grip – either on a steering wheel or something I am holding with my hand. Sometimes I imagine my hand dropping something. Having that visual gives my brain a distraction – and snaps me out of my stress or fear or whatever for a split second. And that is usually enough to provide some relief or to ground myself a bit so I can look at what is bothering me from a more relaxed and peaceful place.

I usually take a deep breath when I hear that phrase. My hands relax; my shoulders sink. The “man” at the end sets the tone of beach, surfer, enjoy the day, mellow, vacation type of thing. And I can hear Wendy saying it – and she is a surfer, beach girl living in the land of perpetual sunshine and that also makes me relax because my brain associates Wendy with calm, support, peace and validation.

I like the steering wheel scenario best because it gets my mind going (in a good way). I see my hands on the steering wheel and feel them relaxing – then I think about enjoying the scenery or the song on the radio. I can feel the breeze or savor the quiet of the muted outside world. I want to experience joy on the journey – not squeeze it out because I am gripping the wheel and focusing on stressful thoughts. After all, it’s just a thought, man.   

When I was 40, I moved from Seattle to San Diego for the warm and sunny benefits. My new home was three blocks from the beach and surfers were everywhere. They rode beach cruisers with surfboards under their arms. In fact they surf all year long. I admired their passion, commitment and above all, their guts. Even the old guys were out there — while I watched from the sidelines.

I bumped into my surfing dream every day, but I was not getting in the water. Instead, I watched surf documentaries, attended surf competitions, and bought surf books, Hurley sweatshirts and Roxy bikinis. I wandered into surf shops to gaze at the gear and speak to 17 year olds about board design and dynamics. I was moving as close as possible to surfing without actually touching it. So what the hell was going on?

I did not want to be disappointed.

I did not want the experience to be less than what I had imagined. What if I was a surf dud? What if my inner athlete/rock star/daredevil failed me? What if I was deficient in guts and grit? There is no vitamin for that.

Oh wait, yes there is. Turns out you can transform fear into fuel.

First, I realized that NOT SURFING was a big, fat drag. Avoiding disappointment was only causing more disappointment. Ironic? You bet.

Second, I remembered that anything worth doing is worth doing, period. The heart wants what it wants. Turning away from a heart’s desire felt like I had my jeans on backward – uncomfortable and wrong. The moment I accepted any and all surfing outcomes, my resistance evaporated. And once I was in the water and on a surfboard, I was ridiculously happy. I had engaged the dream and anything beyond that would be a bonus.

And now, here is the Official List of Wendy’s Surf Dream Bonuses:

1. We were the first ones on the beach.

2. The waves were just my size.

3. I was not cold.

4. Also in the water were whales and Luna, a surfing dog.

5. Although I crashed a ton, I actually rode several waves.

6. Even when I crashed, I was fine.

7. I laughed a whole lot.

8. Cheap champagne never tasted better.

From my dream-avoidance state, I could not envision a kickass outcome such as this. My brain could not even imagine surfing with whales or a dog. I did not allow room for how good it could be. Makes me ponder where else I am limiting my dreams by seeing only part of what is possible.

Instead of pushing off your dreams, suck ‘em up and become a Dream Hoover like me. Eureka!*

*eureka [yoo-ree-kuh]: used to express delight on finding, discovering or solving something, or finally succeeding in doing something.

I made an appointment to see another building. It was a good location. The office was a nice size. It was the right price. It was available immediately. And it was all wrong. Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t articulate what was off, but knew I couldn’t commit to the space even though the desired elements were there. Intellectually it was a slam dunk yet my gut said, “Oh hell no”.

If data was all we needed to make good decisions, there would be no doctors who smoke.

There would be no crazy psychiatrists.

Clearly, information is not enough. Living the life you are meant to live requires wisdom.

Wisdom is the knowledge of what is true or right. Wisdom is insight. I listened to that voice inside me even though I didn’t have a Plan B. Even though I didn’t know why things weren’t right.

I let go of the “hell no” office and it paid off. Two days later I was asked to bring my coaching business into Discover Wellness, an integrative health center in San Diego. I have joined a select group of wellness practitioners that provide acupuncture, massage, nutrition services and chiropractic care. This is my tribe! With my background in natural science, this center is a natural (pun intended) fit for me and my business. Even though I couldn’t see the path, wisdom was leading me to where I needed to be. I would not have discovered this new venture had I focused only on data.

Now here is the part I really want you to soak up. If something is not a HELL YES, it’s a HELL NO. I had to let go of something that looked good on paper in order to discover the thing that was MORE right. My marvelous friend Bridgette explains this with a trapeze analogy. Yes, trapeze. You can’t grab the next bar if you don’t let go of the one in your hand.

Are there places in your life where you need to let go in order to make room for something better?

It’s not too late, you know. It is never too late to become who you are meant to become. Get help if you need it to follow the path that feels hard, but right.

There is another breed of thoughts in my head. Instead of floating, they come at me from a red-hot flare gun. I better not screw up. I’m running out of time. There is not enough money / energy / jobs / love / sleep. Sure hope I don’t get cancer. Can you feel the difference? These thoughts are charged with panic, anxiety and fear. We tend to dodge these thoughts by distracting ourselves. I don’t have time to think like this. Let’s move, move, MOVE!

We can attempt to dodge, but flare gun thoughts have phenomenal boomerang capabilities. And once you focus on a stressful thought, it becomes easier to think it a second, third and 39th time. This creates a rut in your thinking and can negatively affect your perspective.

And here’s the kicker: stressful thoughts can bring about the very thing we wish to avoid. You know about the placebo effect. Well, say hello to its cousin — nocebo effect.

nocebo effect (n.): the phenomenon in which the expectation of a negative outcome actually leads to that outcome.

Let’s say that I’m continually thinking, “There is not enough time.” This makes me feel anxious, panicky and FREAKED OUT. Operating from this state makes it difficult to think clearly. I feel scattered. I am less productive and; therefore, I am literally wasting time. The nocebo effect is proven.

And now for some good news.

Our brains are flexible and capable of change. This means that we can coax an anxious mind toward a happier outlook. Try flipping the stressful thought. Consider its opposite by thinking, “There is enough time.” Imagine for a few seconds that this is true. Hey, perhaps on some level it IS true. Can you feel a smidgen of hope? Perhaps a slight relaxation in your body and mind? If you are like me, you are now in a better position to make good use of your time.

Your thoughts can take you to a bad neighborhood in your mind, but they are also the way out. You can transform the nocebo effect into placebo effect anytime you want. I invite you to drop the thoughts that weaken you and pick up thoughts that feel more peaceful. Repeat. Continue until this state becomes natural. It can take time to undo the deep ruts in your brain, but keep practicing. With focused attention, you can literally rewire your brain and develop a new perspective.

To learn more about being the boss of your brain, check out this summary of Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School.

And if you are ready to be the boss of your life, check out how I can help.

Life coaching sounds pretty cheesy. We coaches are aware of this so you don’t need to hide your smirks. In reality, we are working to dramatically transform peoples’ lives under the somewhat unflattering cover identity of life coach. As part of this mission, I recently attended the non-cheesy Martha Beck Coaches Convention. The best-in-class-smarty-pants-coaching-dynamos organize mind-boggling workshops to ensure we are changing the world one client at a time in the best possible way. A cinch, right?

One of the workshops was about group coaching. My immediate response was, “I’m not interested. I love one-on-one coaching.” The love part is very true. But is it true that I wouldn’t like to coach in a different way? I hadn’t really considered it and so I instantly said no. Turns out I had an imaginary mental fence that was limiting my opportunities. Not sure how the fence got there – and it doesn’t much matter. I don’t need to know how I got a sliver in my foot to know that I want it gone.

Are you saying no to new ideas? And if so, why? Sometimes we label something as fear and turn in the other direction. There is a good chance that a perceived fear is just white noise. And when investigated, the resistance evaporates. How do you know when a fence is merely fear? Because you feel a sense of freedom when you imagine it gone.

And when you feel free to choose, your life gets a lot more interesting.

You really can fear LESS so you can live MORE. Find out how I can help. And check out my favorite online magazine, fear less, to read about famous and not so famous people who have dissolved fear to pursue the life they are meant to live.

p.s. Quoting a 70′s band might be cheesy — but in a good way, right?

In fact, I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while now. I have a manila folder full of guaranteed-to-be-brilliant topics, but I over-think the simple task of writing a message.

I analyze my audience and the content of the message until my brain seizes. Over-analysis leads to paralysis and I drift further away from my desire.

I see the same thing with my coaching clients. And let me say, they are smart people — highly educated, competent and successful. They have tried to change their lives by examining data; the pros and cons. Perhaps they utilized their remarkable problem-solving skills to determine what will make them happy. Or they have pursued change that MAKES SENSE. And why wouldn’t they? This kind of thinking has made them quite successful – but in the wrong direction.

Here’s the deal. You can’t analyze your way to happiness.

In case you were sleeping during Bio Psych class, I’ll share the Cliff Notes: Logic and analysis are the workings of your left brain. Insight, inspiration and creativity are born in your right brain.

The superbly practical left brain facilitated my clients’ success, but it didn’t lead them to their hearts’ desires. Have you talked yourself into a practical dream? Does it feel like a big, fat drag? I want you to know that there is another way. I love helping clients make life decisions using both left and right brain intelligence. When you think in this new way, you get clear on what you want and make plans to live the life you are meant to live.

Why not get the most from your brain? Sounds genius to me.